Rabbit rabbit! That’s what my mom used 2 say 4 luck on the 1st day of each month. Could definitely use a change in my luck.
I miss my mom. Her light side was so free & fun but her dark side was so neurotic/paranoid/smothering. And her dark side took over.
She loved me so much & I know she didn’t mean 2, but the sicker she got the more she crushed the life out of me.
I had 2 get away. I never got a chance 2 make my peace w/her. But between her & dad, my light side didn’t stand a chance in that house.
I can still feel my dark side creeping in.
Saw my shadow this morning. I think that means at least 6 more weeks of winter in my soul.
I want to embrace this sunshine & the lightness of being so badly. I wish it were that easy. Milo’s got it good. Oh 2 be a dog!
Still I’m 1 of the lucky 1’s. So many people have nothing & I have so much. I have 2 tell myself that every day or I forget. 2 easy 2 forget it out here.
Why does every1 want 2 take everything from me. My soul, my heart, my money, my dog. Mom, dad, Temple, rayRay, the cops – they’re all after something.
What am I after, is the question. Just some peace & light & quiet. Hard 2 find. Gotta quiet my brain. So hard 2 do.
Sittin in a circle in Live Oak Park, a gang playing guitars & singing. Getting high. Kinda sweet. Milo hates when I blow smoke in his face!
The grass feels nice to sit on. Starting 2 smell like spring. Maybe the worst of winter is over.
There really is so much beauty on the street. People think life is always ugly out here but it can be beautiful. They miss it. They don’t see. Every1 is some1 special.
Every1 has a beautiful story. Talent. Soul. Love 2 give. It’s covered over by a whole lot of dirt sometimes but it’s there if you scrape down far enough.
Yeah we’re all a little crazy. No crazier than the people living in these big fancy brown shingle homes. Stressing out, running around, kids 2 soccer, go 2 the shrink, dress 2 impress, & u must try the tapas!
Lady rushing by me, caught her eye, looked so miserable. Broke her heel, started crying, I could swear just 4 a second she was thinking: oh 2 trade places with that girl & her dog - she can have my Crackberry & I can smoke her crack!
No way lady. Get your own.
OK that was weird. Just ran into some1 I used 2 work with at the bookstore. Not Moe’s during college. At Half Price, after I dropped out.
Stephanie. She wanted to be an opera singer. I guess maybe she is now. Still very skinny tho! I saw her b4 she saw me.
But then that’s how it is on the street. People don’t even see you at all usually. Something made her look at me & dog.
Slow light of recognition in her eyes. Zoe? Is that u Zoe? Yup it’s me. She didn’t know what 2 say. I think she was a little shocked.
Zoe, are you – still in school? Did you end up going to social work school? What’s going on with you?
Nope - just hangin’ out – me & my dog. And some friends I’ve made out here. Wanna help us out? Got any spare change?
That made her real uncomfortable, I could see. Oh sure, she says, nervous laugh, dig in her pocket, guilty toss into my floppy hat.
Well, gotta run, got an audition, c u later! Yeah c ya. Me too, very busy, big day ahead.
I still have a bunch of those old trade-in credit slips from Moe’s, I should cash those in & get some books. Catch up on my reading.
Dude my truck battery died! Hella sucks. Lucky it’s so warm & I don’t need the heat or anything.
Kinda drag tho. Might have 2 get Dante 2 call AAA 4 me. Just gonna leave it 4 now. Can't deal.
Rely on truck to charge phone & ipod. That’s ok – we all know plenty places to charge things up:
Cafes are good, also library, Berkeley BART station has outlets. Trains do 2 so they can vacuum, but then u gotta pay 2 get on train. In theory.
Sometimes I just go into bldgs on Cal campus & find an outlet. Also some street lights have place 2 plug in. Temple showed me once how 2 pry open.
Power low – gotta go.
Getting truck fixed at Toyota on Broadway in Oaktown. Alternator broke or some shit like that.
Guys here looked at me like I was from another planet. Im having a bad hair morning, what can I say? Ha!
Oaktown – The Town. They call SF The City, Oakland The Town. Emeryville is The ‘Ville, love that one. Berkeley is B Town, Vallejo is V Town. Etc, huh?
I think they should call Berkeley the Big Burrito. Or maybe the Big Biscotti. Or maybe the Big House Made Organic Quinoa Bowl With Farm Egg.
Don’t all eggs come from farms? Why do they write “Farm Egg” on menus? Actually I guess in B Town some are from people’s backyards!
And of course there are factory farms, which are evil. I used to be vegan but just can’t do it on street. 2 hard 2 get by w/o a little meat.
Shit why does this guy need to look in back of my truck to fix alternator? OK I better pay more attention 2 this situation...
Dude what happened 2 Larry Blake’s? I was off Telegraph 4 a week & it’s gone?! All boarded up. WTF? Saw some great bands in that basement.
Spilled a lot of beer on that sawdust floor. Oh well. Another one bites the sawdust.
The other big news: Temple is back! Out after only a week. He’s being kinda mysterious about why. No way he made bail. rayRay is suspicious.
Something about the meth didn’t test out so they had 2 let him go. He’s acting weird tho. Good to b back on Tele, see my friends here.
Nothing seems 2 b missing from back of truck. Usual collection of blankets, dog food, people food, clothes, water. Truck purring nicely too
Gonna have 2 juggle Temple & rayRay again now. rayRay was kinda getting used 2 having me all 2 himself. And me 2 him…
So I guess it’s been 2 weeks since Temple got busted. Time flies, what can I say? Hard 2 keep track of things out here sometimes, you know?
So much time on your hands u can watch the world go by. But sometimes things still happen in a snap.
All the plum trees in Berkeley opened overnight. Sunday: bare branches. Monday: pink & white everywhere. It’s really pretty.
Reminds me of my mom & the paintings she used to do. One of my rare good memories…
Temple seems like a pod person now. Invasion of the Temple snatchers. I swear they did something 2 him. For 1 they cut his hair. No more Jesus.
For 2, I see him making signals w/guys passing by on Telegraph. I swear they’re all in cahoots. Cops, FBI, I dunno. I see eye contact, hand gestures.
Not gonna tell rayRay, he’d have a shit fit. Just gonna watch & be careful what I say. This is not the same old Temple.
Even Milo seems suspicious of him. Sniff him out boy!
Guy is passed out on Channing sidewalk with needle in his arm. Out cold, needle just sticking there. Don’t recognize him.
rayRay pulled out the needle 2 see if anything left inside! No such luck.
Yes we self-medicate a lot out here. My dad was bugging me about going on meds. No fucking way. I am not my mother.
I am not “crazy.” It’s not up to u to decide that I am.
I do not want to lose who I am. I will not surrender to the system. No one is messing w/my brain chemistry but me!
Besides I have it under control.
Don’t pay a lot of attention 2 current events out here. Too focused on our own events. It’s a matter of survival 4 most.
Many of my street friends feel so disconnected from society they don’t really care what’s going on.
Those things are happening in some1 else’s world, not ours.
But I do know 2day is Valentine’s! That’s cuz rayRay gave me some chocolate & daffodils.
OK so he picked them from some1’s yard. They’re growing everywhere right now, no 1 will miss them.
No idea where he got the chocolate, I didn’t ask. But it’s Ghirardelli yum. 78% cacao or some shit. Deep & dark - like my secrets. Ha!
And he says we’re going to have an official “date” later. We are going to climb a tree in Peoples Park & sit in it & make out. ☺
Will try 2 get Milo up in there 2! May have 2 tie him to trunk tho, we’ll see. I don’t think he will mind.
rayRay makes me feel really special sometimes. He’s about the only person who does.
Weather has turned nasty again. I guess winter’s not quite done w/us yet! Back in the truck for me & Milo.
So lucky I have that truck. My home on wheels. Some of the kids went 2 shelters last night. No 1 likes to do that tho. Shelters suck.
Really only 2 shelters in Berkeley. Otherwise u gotta go all the way 2 Oaktown, where there are a lot more.
Slept in shelter 1 nite & that was enuf 4 me. I went to a church that wouldn’t let Milo in. Then found church that let me keep dog w/me.
Was up all night worried about some1 stealing my shit. People coughing. Milo nervous. Bad night. Won’t ever do that again.
Could go home but no interest in seeing dad. Could check in w/Dante but don’t wanna bug him & weather not that bad, really. Truck is fine.
Just gotta make it thru til spring’s really here. Can tuff it out. No shortage of food out here but def shortage of places for ppl 2 sleep!
What the hail? Woke up to huge storm - all covered in white. Like the whole world got dipped in rock salt. This is California???
Milo not happy. He blames any bad weather on me. Sorry puppy it's hard enuf to worry about my own shit, let alone climate control.
He's still freaked out from last nite. Some serious shit 2 talk about. Don't even know what 2 tweet about it, it's got me so upset.
Shit hit the fan btw rayRay & Temple last nite. Temple sat down, started asking me all these questions, really prying. Weird.
rayRay came back, confronted him, asked him if he was a narc now. Temple laughed it off. Ray wasn't laughing.
Yelling turned 2 shoving. Shoving turned 2 hitting. Temple pulled a blade, cut rayRay's cheek. Milo barking like crazy.
I was yelling stop it stop it stop it! Trying 2 grab Milo away. He bit Temple's leg. Some1 called cops.
I got away w/Milo, made it back to my truck, got out of there. Last I saw, cops were chasing rayRay. He & Temple both bleeding.
I drove all the way down 2 marina! Stayed here. Afraid 2 go back 2 Telegraph. No idea if Temple got busted, or rayRay, or what.
I really don't want 2 go 2 jail! Or lose my dog. I may have to get off streets for a little while...go hole up w/Dante...
Shhh! Don’t wanna wake Dante.Milo & I holed up in his basement bedroom, all comfy & warm.
We got out of the storm – both literally & figuratively.
Dante is my ace in the hole.I broke his heart but he can’t stop loving me.I mean he’s moved on, but he’s always there 4 me if I need help.
I probably blew it by breaking up w/him.I felt my soul dying tho.Started losing my mind.Mom dying, Dad crazy – 2 much at once.
We just weren’t connecting anymore.I had 2 get out.Hindsight: big mistake.Now he won’t take me back.But he will let me crash here.
Can’t stay here 2 long – just long enuf for things to cool on street. Hope rayRay didn’t go 2 jail.
Cops don’t know about Dante, I don’t think.NO 1 will find me here.
Dante’s always hella annoyed when I show up.He acts happy 2 see me but I can tell deep down he’s disappointed I’m back.Again.
It’s like he always thinks last time was the last time, u know? And then I’m back 1 more time.He really loves Milo tho, & Milo loves him.
That’s how I know when some1’s a good person.If Milo loves them, they’re all good.If not…I don’t trust them either. Like Temple.
I could disappear 4ever & I would know Milo would be in good hands w/Dante.
Lucky 4 me, Dante doesn’t seem 2 have a girlfriend right now.I’ve burst in on him b4, he got really mad at me 4 cramping his style.
It’s kinda hard 2 explain me 2 a new girlfriend, I guess.Oh her? That’s my sorta homeless crazy doper ex & her pit bull.They’re just visiting, I swear. Ha!
But he’s all alone right now.Single.Maybe this time I have a chance.
Stocking up & recharging at Dante’s house.Excellent mandarins from the farmers’ market! Nice soak in the tub. And fresh tunes for the iPod.
He is the keeper of all music.I just check in here every now & again and let him top me off. He always has something new & great.
Don’t have a computer.Haven’t used email in ages. Just use my iPhone & iPod.And now I tweet!Whodathunkit.
Really getting into this Ray LaMontagne album.World-weary voice.Like catching up with an old friend in front of a crackling fire.
Secret I learned once from a farmer: the tastiest mandarins are the scarred, scratched ones.All fruit, actually.
See, insects & critters know which fruit is sweetest, juiciest.They try to scratch their way in, leaving marks behind.
People don’t want blemishes.They think scars = bad & ruined.People want everything picture-perfect fairy tale.Never mind what’s under that skin.
U gotta look past the obvious pretty ones.Always choose the scarred, the damaged.That’s where the character is. The flavor. The zest.
Damn this one is especially juicy.
OK Dante’s had enuf.I’ve pretty much worn out my welcome here again.Guess I can only push the unconditional love thing so far.
I taped a big sign on the wall: don’t wake Dante! But I can’t help it! I heard noises outside.There was some1 out there, I know there was.I swear I heard some1 whispering.
Went in & woke him up at 3am, he got so mad.Screaming at me!He always slept so well, I figured he’d fall right back asleep.But he says he doesn’t anymore.
Says, You’re ruining my sleep! Some of us have to get up & go 2 work!I did it 2 nights in a row, he got hella pissed off.
Also I panicked & flushed some rock down the toilet.It got clogged.He was pissed like fuck!“Don’t bring these drugs into my house!”
Damn I blew it. Again.Says he won’t even think about taking me back till I “get my shit together.”
I don’t even know what my shit is, how am I gonna “get it together”?
Time 2 get out of here.rayRay called a couple times, he did get busted but only for 1 night.Drunk & disorderly.
He wants me back.Says coast is clear.Told him I been laying low.
Time 2 go lay rayRay instead I guess!
I am the rebel without a clue.The wandering Bedouin.A Bedouin without a bed.My desert is the hard stained pavement of Telegraph Avenue.
Milo is my camel.Dante’s place was my oasis and I fucked it all up.I felt some peace for a moment but it was just a mirage.
Instead of shimmering heat tho we have bone-chilling cold.This shit sucks.I can’t find rayRay.He was supposed to meet me but he’s nowhere to be found.
Gonna hang around the park today I guess. Least I’ll get fed.I really don’t know what to do or where to go.I feel lost.
Maybe I’ll just talk to my friends out here today and regroup. See where the wind blows me.
I do need to replace what I flushed at Dante’s.And I’m out of my little vodka bottles.
I really miss my mom this morning.
Funny I was never that resourceful in life.Always dependent on others – my mom, my dad, Dante, my brother, my sister.Until I came out here.
Sometimes I am lost & scared but I’m so much tougher than I used to be.No choice.Focus on self & how 2 stay alive & safe.
I’ve learned all kinds of shit out here I never knew b4!
Like where 2pee! Public toilets here & there, certain restaurants, library, Cal bldgs.Funny 2 go back in2 Dwinelle 2 pee after so many classes there.
I was just hanging on Shattuck tho & desperate 4 a bathroom.Thing is, lots of office bldgs have bathrooms on each floor, in hall.
So I go into 1 that doesn’t have a security desk, go up to 2nd floor, and voila! But hallway bathroom had security code keypad. What 2 do?
Punch the big round disabled access button on the side wall.Door swings open.Ha! Learned that trick from wheelchair lady. Disabled don’t need codes.
Damn sure feels good 2 pee.Yeah I can take care of myself. Lady fucking MacGyver.
I am not alone.I have just discovered I have followers! On Twitter I mean.
Yeah u know who u are – now I know you’re out there.
It’s kinda weirding me out.I mean, I already think people are following me anyway, u know? Ha! I mean really, in person, not on Twitter.
I’m flattered that any1 would care what I think, what I do, what I feel.I mean I’m just a fucked up girl with a magical dog.
But it’s nice 2 know some1 cares.And that some1’s listening.Really no1’s listened to me much 4 a long, long time.
I actually found out from this guy Bone.He’s the most clued-in guy on the street.Has a kickass radio in his shopping cart, listens to the news.
He knows all about Twitter – showed me on my phone how 2 see that I have followers & how many.I didn’t even know!
I’ve even gotten a couple of replies.Wild!This has been like a diary 2 me – hope it doesn’t make me too self-conscious.
Thanks 4 your support every1. I’m trying to hang in there.
We’re all alone in the end, aren’t we?Maybe that’s the appeal of this tweeting – I feel less alone.I don’t even know u – but I’m sharing my life w/u.
Been years since I really felt connected to my family.My dad hurts me w/the things he says.It’s not my fault my mom got sick & died.
I’ve lost track of my brother & sister these last 3, 4 yrs.I’m afraid they’ll tell Dad stuff about me if I see them, so I just steer clear.
I think they’re both back east now anyway.One of them has kids…
Soundtrack today on the iPod: Avett Brothers.SO beautiful.“Three words that became hard to say: I and Love and You.”Ain’t it the truth?