About the Author
TweetHeart - A Twitter Novel By Douglas Sovern
CHAPTER NINE: September
Been so long since Ive seen some my friends! Missy & Bone & of course rayRay they all welcome me back with open arms
My arm a little less open maybe cuz I don’t want 2 give any of them what I got. Not gonna tlell them they don’t need 2 know
Good times hanging out talkin bout old times.
Awesome weather finally warm & sunny hella good 4 sidewalk hangouts
Milo so happy 2 see Missy & her dog Crystal.
Crystal was a puppy now shes all grown up beautiful yellow lab
Dude I don’t even know what day it is been out all night & now a new day is here feels like old times all over again
Phone keeps ringing why Dante call so much dude u need 2 chill
Why Bone hogging the pipe pass that over muthafucka!
Ha why I tweet that he can’t even hear me ha!
There are weird spaces inside my brain. Things feel disconnected. Synapses not firing properly. Some cylinders not firing at all!
I wonder if my jawbone is separating again. The jawbone's connected 2 the...brain bone? And 2 think they insist I don't have a brain injury.
Look at these people up early going 2 work. Men in pink buttondowns & pleated chinos. Who told them that looks good? Embarrassing uniform
People jaywalking rushing around gotta get 2 the office make money buy more stuff. It's overrated lemme tell u. Streetlife beats suitelife
Society itself is overrated. The people in charge only care about themselves. They lie about wanting 2 help the rest of us.
Nah we're all on our own. U want love? Get a dog. Works 4 me. Only 1 I can count on. And even he bails on me 2 chase bitches in heat!
Did someone wrap gauze around my head while I wasn't sleeping? Eyes brain ears face - like there's a layer of fog between me & the world..
Jason texting me.
Sorry dude not gonna hit u back.
Have a great time in Boston for the next 2 years.
U blew it w/me.
My teeth hurt hella bad.
Oh man I been here before & this is not a good place. Where I’ve been the last 5, 6 days…I don’t even know.
My life is just a circle of chaos & sorrow & shame & pain & regret.
I go around & around & do I ever get anywhere different?
It’s been a lost summer.
I thought I was making some headway but it’s always one step up and two step back.
Yeah, I been listening 2 a lot of Springsteen lately.
He’s brilliant but so fucking depressing.
Too many cars & cops & hookers.
I thought I’d found the tunnel of love but no, once again I’m just lost, alone, in the darkness on the edge of town.
I was thinking about that dream I had a few months back.
Just breathe, 13-yr-old me told me.
Another ping from Jason. Now he feels guilty about blowing me off?
Probly just wants a goodbye fuck. Never gonna get it, not from me.
Decided to check in with Layla about this Hep C shit.
She says there are things I can take, liver enzymes & supplements.
The real drugs all have nasty side effects, like going on chemo or something.
I saw what that did to mom.
I feel no real symptoms yet, tho yes it’s hard 2 tell w/all the other shit going on in my body. Drugs on board, as they say at the hospital.
But she says if I don’t do anything it could eventually kill me.
Says between the hep C & all my drinking, my liver could give out.
Fuck it all.
Is the fight really worth it? Is this my life from now on?
What’s the point of all this shit anyway?
Not to be a downer cow but dude when exactly does life get easier?
Do I have that 2 look forward 2 at some point?
Do u know about downer cows?
Cows that get sick & fall down & can’t even get up, but they slaughter them & sell them as meat anyway.
Yeah that’s the American food industry for ya – nothing but the best.
If the smack & crank don’t get ya, the factory farmers will.
I have some sort of abscess in my arm.
It is taking over my whole fucking arm.
I swear dude if it’s not 1 thing it’s another.
These days more often it’s 2 things, or even 3.
I am spinning down the maelstrom, sucked into some sort of Twilight Zone vortex.
Who the fuck is in charge around here?
Is this all some sort of cosmic prank?
Am I being ass-fucked by the master of disaster?
Burned my fingers w/my lighter. Dropped my pipe & it shattered & I cut myself.
So high can’t even feel it but sure can taste the blood.
Just realized I haven’t fed myself or Milo in days.
He’s not doing well either.
Need 2 take 2 vet.
My clothes don’t smell so good.
Mouth feels weird.
Ripped a hole in my jeans but hey look the hole goes all the way thru my actual knee
Need to change the license plates on my car think I saw a cop writing down the number the other day.
They’re on 2 me again…
These people at Safeway think I’m Paris Hilton.
Heard them whispering, pointing 2 People magazine, say something about me being her.
What, all poor little wasted rich girls look alike?
I don’t have blond hair or anything what’s wrong with everybody.
I mean I can understand the confusion but still.
Checkout lady acting really weird.
Her voice all echoey & boomy.
Gave her all my crumpled bills, she looks at me like I’m a space alien or something.
Jesus dude just let me take my food & go.
Don’t want any1 taking my picture hope they don’t call the paparazzi or anything.
I wanna scream but everything coming out in mumbles…
Happened to watch TV last night which I rarely do.
Was so moved by 9/11 memories.
The beacons of light at ground zero in my hometown NYC.
Suddenly found myself crying & crying, hugging Milo, awash with gratitude for all my blessings, despite all I’ve been through.
Made me realize how lucky I am to be alive, born in America, have family at all, and money, and someone like Dante in my life.
I am raw & ragged & jagged & spent. My nerves feel like shattered glass, my bones like hollow shells, my teeth throbbing jabbing needles.
My brain is in a million tiny pieces.
Haven’t really slept in days, don’t even remember what normal calm feels like.
And in the middle of all my darkness suddenly comes a beacon of light: Dante, holding his phone, uttering words that rocked my world…
Zoe, he almost whispers, so quietly I can barely hear - one of your Twitter followers, OaktownD.
Why don’t u ever reply 2 him?
I stare at him, not understanding. How does he know who follows me on Twitter?
He’s not even on Twitter.
Zoe, he says. I am OaktownD.
I am still soaking it all in: Dante’s been reading my tweets.
Knows all about Jason, all the depths of my despair.
Most embarrassing, dude knows all the shit I’ve said about him.
Good shit mostly, but that doesn’t mean I wanted him 2 read it.
Wait he just read that one too. OK sometimes this whole concept weirds me out.
I was hella pissed at first, pissed like fuck, like I caught him reading my diary.
Under a hidden identity, no less.
But shit it’s public fucking tweeting so I have only myself 2 blame, right?
Dante points out, he kept tweeting me 2 check in.
Dante says Becca told him I was tweeting & when I would go missing from time 2 time he decided 2 check it out.
I never wrote him back.
I can’t write every1 back! Lots of love & support from all around the world so can’t reply to every1.
Now he comes & takes my hand & says so calmly: Zoe, you’ve hit bottom.
This can’t go on. I know u told us not 2 intervene but u need help.
U need to see a shrink, he says.
Go to AA, or even rehab.
Reconnect with your dad.
Or u have no chance, no hope, & we have no future.
Ready 2 listen. I guess.
Milo says “woof.”
I am not going 2 rehab.
I just can’t handle that. 28 days in some prison, or whatever it is?
Besides they wouldn’t let me tweet right?!
I am willing 2 suck it up & try AA again.
Didn’t really give it a chance I guess. Maybe some1 there sympathetic who can help me.
It always helps me put life in perspective when I meet some1 who’s even more fucked & far from home than I am.
Yeah, fucked & far from home.
Read that in a slang dictionary once.
Should’ve had my picture next 2 to that entry.
I told Dante it would be OK if he got some shrink recommendations 4 me.
I guess talking 2 someone can’t hurt.
But my dad’s gonna have 2 wait.
Not ready 4 that.
Never goes well.
Wonder if Jason’s said anything 2 them about us…
t’s not like this is the first time I’ve been in this exact same place.
Why do I always get stuck? I’ve got superglue on my soul.
The problem is getting unstuck.
Each time and place is different.
A few months ago Dante gave me same ultimatum: shape up or ship out.
He has peered over the edge with me many many times.
I always get 2 to the brink and then pull back.
Leaves him frustrated, more every time, and leaves me circling back to get mired in the same shit over and over again.
It’s really not fair 2 him.
I am holding him hostage, I know that.
He deserves better. So do I.
I know that deep inside.
I deny myself the life I deserve because 4 some reason I feel guilty, like I don’t really deserve it. Why can’t I let myself b who I can be?
OK I just read that tweet back.
Maybe Dante is right – time to see a shrink!
Sitting here in limbo, on top of a rock, on top of a ridge, gazing out at the morning sun slowly brightening the bay.
Listening 2 “Sitting In Limbo” by Jimmy Cliff.
Also the Jerry Garcia version.
The original is definitely mo bettah.
The gray fog is slowly lifting revealing baby blue sky behind.
A metaphor 4 my mind, my life? A girl can dream I guess…
In some ways I am a baby again, ready 2 begin anew once I strip away the layers of life lived so wrongly these last few years.
I think of what this place must’ve been like hundreds of years ago when it was just natives & animals: grizzly bears, wildcats, eagles.
Oh 2 have been here then, just me & the beauty & the animals, none of the suffering this modern world heaps upon me.
I suppose I wouldn’t have been able to tweet though & then where would I be? I’d have scrawled a diary on redwood bark or some shit.
Maybe Dante is right & it’s not too late 2 begin again, at least w/some therapy. I will NOT go on meds though & I won’t let them make me.
Is this day a 10 or what? Finally getting the weather we’ve been waiting 4 all summer! Not even a whisper of fog. Knew things would look up.
Nothing but blue sky ahead right?
Wish it were that simple but I must say I’ve been feeling better the last couple of days.
Went skinny dipping in Lake Temescal last night.
Ha! Under big bright moon with balmy midnight weather, just me & Milo in the water.
I had a great swim while he dog paddled around.
I tried 2 teach him 2 human paddle but he only knows the one stroke.
He’s so cute my puppy, shaking off his little brindle body.
He hates 2 get wet & doesn’t like swimming at all but for once I got him 2 go in.
He did it sort of begrudgingly & when we were done he was like, can we go now mama? Hey it’s better than the shit I usually expose him to!
I am just gonna savor the last gasps of summer 4 a few days while I can.
Yes @beccagold I am putting off dealing with my life.
Yes I know u are out there & yes I know the pressure is on & yes I know I need 2 clean up my act.
I think maybe I’m getting there.
It’s hard even 4 me to be depressed when the weather is this good.
The puppy doesn’t like it so hot, he lays low & pants hard.
Of course I do that sometimes too. Ha!
Speaking of which, I miss rayRay.
It’s been like 3 weeks since I saw him & the gang.
The thing is, I can’t even remember if we had sex or not.
That whole few days is just a haze.
This thing in my arm is getting worse.
Really need 2 see a doctor about that.
And I doubt my Hep C is getting better on its own either.
OK now I’m bringing myself down.
It’s too glorious a day 2 dwell on my motherfuckin’ myriad o’ problems.
Maybe I’ll go see if rayRay wants 2 go swimming.
Maybe in Lake Anza?
It’s Tuesday there’ll be no 1 there at all.
I can think about doctors & shrinks & AA & all that shit tomorrow.
Been spending a lot of time in the water this week trying 2 stay cool.
Feels so good 4 my body and my soul.
Funny thing is I found myself treading water in the deep end & couldn’t help but see it as a metaphor for my life.
Treading water in the deep end.
Staying in place.
Wasting energy & not really getting anywhere.
Just trying 2 keep my head above water.
Yeah that’s me all right.
Sharks keep moving forward so they don’t die.
Of course sharks don’t get cancer or viruses either.
Hmm maybe there’s a connection there.
Stagnation = death.
U can only dog paddle 4 so long before u finally get worn out & drown.
Amazing how clear your mind can get when you’re exercising & just focused on breathing & movement.
Here I thought I was swimming in Lake Anza and I was really in Lake Buddha the whole time!
A bodhi of water to save my body.
Not feeling so well today. Queasy stomach, kinda weak, like I’ve got flu or a bug.
Is that the Hep C? Or just byproduct of my lifestyle…
It could also be anxiety/fear/butterflies.
I have made an appointment with a shrink, going to see him today.
He’s supposed to be good.
He will have 2 be to deal with me! Been a long time since I been to one, who knows what I’m in for.
Not sure I can open up 2 some strange man w/ a beard.
OK I’m just assuming he has a beard.
Maybe I should just tell him to folo my tweets!
I also told Dante I will try AA again this week.
Don’t want 2 overdo it. One step at a time, right?
I don’t like the world holding this giant clipboard over my head, a list of all the things I have to do 2 get back in society’s good graces.
Dude, who says I want 2 be a part of your society anyway?
I just want my old self back, to move forward, to maybe be with Dante.
Or at least have options. Right now mine are foreclosed. If going 2 a shrink gets my life back from the repo man I guess I can give it a try
Arm abscess really bugging me. Big hard dark sore gross thing.
Shrink was deeply concerned said I should go to hospital.
These fucking doctors & their drugs.
They’re worse pushers than any1 on the street.
Not everything has a pharmaceutical solution, u know?
Dude DOES have a beard, I told u!
And a deeply furrowed brow, very concerned manner.
Seems 2 care.
I think I set off a lot of alarms w/him.
He wanted 2 know about drug abuse, sexual proclivities, blah blah blah.
Maybe he gets off on it.
He said something like “my most immediate concern is your physical health” & said he couldn’t make me but strongly urged going to ER.
Said we have to get my body right so that we can work on the rest of me.
Doesn’t he realize my broken mind is what’s fucked my body up?
I don’t know that this is a guy I can spill my guts to.
He’s already preaching meds.
No one talks anymore they just hand out drugs.
I don’t need an MD w/ a beard & a furrow 2 dispense my meds.
There’s a guy on the street w/a much longer beard who already does that 4 me.
Yes I know I disappeared on u again.
It happens, u know? Now u know how Dante feels when I vanish inexplicably. Right Dante?
First off, arm abscess got unbearable.
Knocked me 4 a loop.
Finally took EVERYONE’s advice & got the damn thing drained. Big yuck.
Feeling much better now.
Now the only thing that’s oozing & leaking is my brain!
And yes I am taking the damn antibiotics.
Eating lots of yogurt though cuz those drugs kill your friendly flora.
Can’t have that.
Went back 2 the shrink Monday. Guess I’ve been talking so much to him I didn’t feel the need to express myself thru tweets.
Hey I wonder if anyone runs a shrink service via Twitter? Would eliminate the need 4 a couch. And they could see many patients at same time!
Twitter is itself a form of talk therapy I suppose.
I just yak away & you are forced to listen, except I don’t pay you 180 bucks an hour.
Highway robbery, this shrink.
Dude sits there & nods & says “hmmm” & occasionally asks an annoying question.
For that, 3 bucks a minute?
Too soon 2 say if this is going 2 work out, or even help.
But at least I am satisfying the terms of what my family (& Dante) are demanding.
Next stop – an AA meeting.
Still hella anxious about that.
I may have to liquor up just to get the courage to GO to the damn thing.
I tried really hard not 2 cooperate with this damn shrink.
I sat there all sullen & unresponsive 4 as long as I could.
Figured I’d play hard to get like Matt Damon in “Good Will Hunting.” But that was a movie and this is real life.
And in real life – well what can I say, I kinda like to gab don’t I? And here was a willing victim actually being paid to listen.
I gave him an earful. We’ve barely scratched the surface but he probably already figures he can write a paper on me or some shit.
That must be why he wants me to come 3 times a week – get as much material as he can.
It can’t be cuz I’m so fucking whacked, right?
I actually asked if I could live tweet our sessions to share them with my followers. U know what he said? “Do u think that’s best?”
Here’s what I think: when they go to the Sigmund Freud Institute of Mindfucking they’re all given a lifetime supply of question marks…
…and no other punctuation at all.
It’s in their manual: never, ever answer a patient’s question w/anything but another question.