About the Author
TweetHeart - A Twitter Novel By Douglas Sovern
CHAPTER FOUR: April
Why did I forget to say that last month? And look what a hella fucked month I had!
Maybe April will bring me better luck.
Sure has brought better weather.
Walkin’ on sunshine.
I can see clearly now the rain is gone…
Yeah I’m groovin on Dante’s Sunny Day Mix. The best on here is Was a Sunny Day, Paul Simon. A tropical joint, dancing with my doggie…
Turn off the music.
Just got a tweet that rocked my world.
Yeah @beccagold it’s me.
How did u find me?
You don’t need to do that. I’m fine & can take care of myself.
Whatever u do PLEASE don’t tell dad!!
OK I will think about that.
Thank u for the offer.
But do NOT fucking come find me or I will never speak 2 u again!!!
Yes tweeple– she’s my sister.
“Early morning, April 4. Shot rings out in Memphis sky.”
U2 on the iPod – I always listen to “Pride (In the Name of Love)” on 4/4 – the day MLK was shot.
I never used 2 know what day it was till I got this iPhone now I always have the date and time - in my fucking pocket!
My sister Becca has tracked me down. Welcome to the sanctum sis.
It can get a little weird in here!
Don’t say I didn’t warn ya.
She’s been freaking out the last couple days folks, wondering why I didn’t keep tweeting her back, calling me incessantly.
Yes @beccagold I am exposing your anal obsessive compulsive neurotic nature to the public.
Hazards of twitter – u are now naked to the world!
Including your hoity-toity clients.
Yes tweeps she is a LAWYER.
The horror, the horror.
In Silicon Fucking Valley, no less.
Meditated on this over the wknd.
Consulted with the dog oracle Milo.
I am declining direct contact but Becca u want 2 read me on Twitter go right ahead.
I know u won’t be able to stop asking/worrying/cathecting – so yes, I use needles!
No I am not always safe about it!
I just beg u 2 respect my decisions & my privacy & do not fucking tell dad word one about me or my life.
Now ladies and gentlemen (and @beccagold) back to our show….
A night of no sleep.
At least one w/pretty stars & a clear warm sky, more dark blue than black.
Deep blue like the deepest open ocean.
Now a rosy sunrise.
The time-to-get-up birds are twittering at me.
I’ve been up all night no need for the alarm!
Don’t get uppity with me birds or I’ll wake the puppy & he’ll bark the feathers right off of ya!
rayRay still crashed & snoring right next to Milo.
A sweet & serene scene.
Oh to be that peaceful.
Just once I’d like to know that feeling.
Damn I gotta stop biting my nails.
This one’s bleeding and that one stings.
Maybe Becca u & I can go get a mani?
The cops haven’t been bugging me lately.
I love that they don’t recognize my new car.
No plates, different color.
I am invisible again!
It’s only a matter of time though I suppose.
DMV is months behind on issuing plates so I get to drive around anonymously…
…but cops still see me & Milo on foot, & sooner or later some1 will realize I have new wheels. For now I have a clean ride.
What to do about my love life?
Three men, no waiting. Ha!
Back & forth again between rayRay & Temple, & neither one knows it.
Then there’s Dante.
I still hold out hope.
He’s my ace in the hole.
He’s more annoyed w/me every time I see him though.
I really don’t mean to be a slut or anything.
I just have a lot of love 2 give & get so caught up in the moment I can’t stop myself.
I guess I also get so grateful when some1 responds, when some1 actually loves me back, that I just let go…
All I wanted was a damn burrito!
I can’t believe this taqueria guy – kicking me & rayRay & Milo out of his damn place.
I don’t know how things go so wrong sometimes.
Dude was it something I said? Too scruffy 4 ya? The pit bull?
Do we smell bad?
It’s discrimination is what it is. Don’t judge a book by its cover.
I don’t judge him just because he’s from Palestine or someplace.
But no he doesn’t want us in his place. “U bad for business, get out, go away!”
What my money’s no good? There’s a lot more where that came from.
Thank God 4 this sweet smiling lady who offered 2 go in & buy our food 4 us.
So I ate 1 of his crappy burritos anyway.
Wasn’t worth the agite.
Sometimes all the world is against me.
Sometimes it just showers me with presents.
I am open and ready 2 receive.
A little girl in a baby blue cape, maybe 7 or 8, just rode by on the back of a bicycle built for 2, her dad cranking hard in the front.
She was standing on the pedals, eyes closed, arms out, the cape like a sail in the wind, a beatific smile on her face.
She must have felt my gaze.
Opened her eyes, looked right at me, smiled warmly. Milo sat at attention and barked, one “woof.”
Then she closed her eyes and sailed away, not a care in the world.
I used to be that girl.
At peace w/the universe.
Unconditional trust in my father.
I knew I would not fall – & if I did, he would catch me.
How long ago that seems.
Damn I am so hungry today! My stomach keeps growling, like thunderclaps from a very close storm.
One right inside of me!
How do u know what u know?
Remember when u didn’t know any of it? When u were little, before u had learned it all?
Everything was scary, all mystery & wonder & puzzlement.
What if u suddenly didn’t know any of it anymore? How scared would u be?
What if all the things u took 4 granted just didn’t seem real anymore?
How do I know this is my body? This is a car? That is a wall? A person? A dog?
I have to keep reminding myself what everything is.
This is a chair.
That is the floor.
This is my face.
This is who I am.
I really need to get something to eat.
I am starving.
I feel so detached these days.
Floating, freely, like I have immunity from gravity.
Hey gravity’s just a theory anyway right?
Everything is twinkly & pixilated.
My head all big like an overinflated balloon.
Are my feet touching the ground?
My stomach on the other hand keeps growling. I have heartburn. I’m hungry all the time.
My breasts feel like I got implants or something.
It’s like my body’s divided in thirds – all light on the top, heavy in the middle, and missing at the bottom.
I’ve bitten my nails to the quick.
What is quick anyway? Whatever it is, mine is bleeding.
Maybe I got so high I slipped through a
hole in the universe
and became part of a Magritte painting…
Ceci n’est pas une femme.
Or is it?
Am I a real woman – or just a picture of one?
Wait – the blood on my fingernails!
There – licked it.
Alive. I must be real.
Should I sigh w/relief or run thru the streets screaming?
My period is late.
I should’ve started bleeding like three weeks ago, I think? Maybe longer.
Shit I don’t know!
I’ve never been that regular.
You can’t keep a calendar by me.
When I was w/Dante I settled into a groove.
He had good pheramones.
Now I’m all over the place.
But even for me this is too long!
Shit what if I’m you know what?
Last thing I need right now.
It would explain some of how my body’s been feeling lately though. Either that, or I’m getting 2 high 2 often.
I’m gonna go see Layla today.
That’s long overdue anyway.
She can get me a test. OK Milo cross your paws – no baby bro or sis 4 the puppy!
I know, I know, the suspense is killing u.
All my tweeps want 2 know.
Well @beccagold & a couple others anyway.
I have kept this 2 myself for 24 hrs while I process.
I can’t live my whole life out loud for Chrissake. But fine.
The test was…
Yes, fucking positive.
And the only thing I’m positive about is that fucking had something to do with it.
In the family way.
A goddamn bun in the motherfucking oven.
What’d I think – none of this would ever catch up w/me?
I guess I figured my periods r so irregular, my shit so fucked up, it couldn’t happen.
The big question now – who’s the baby daddy?
Gonna have 2 wait 2 pinpoint how far along I am.
I have a bad feeling it’s Rory the Rapist tho.
Haven’t told rayRay yet. Or Temple.
Could be any 1 of those 3.
But the timing, & my gut, tell me it’s Rory.
That fucking bastard.
I wish I could appreciate the wondrous miracle of life, this precious soul growing inside me, this magical gift.
Right now – it’s not a life.
It’s a problem.
Curled up in the car with Milo.
He’s the only baby I ever need!
Been rocking to a lot of tunes last couple days while pondering my plight.
Let’s see: No Man’s Woman by Sinead; No Woman No Cry by Mistah Bob Marley; Woman in Chains by Tears 4 Fears.
But the winner has been Rape Me by Nirvana.
God, Kurt Cobain was Jesus, I swear.
His resurrection would be the concert of the millennium.
My condition is the ultimate manifestation of how the world has raped me for so fucking long.
Why is it the universe always against me?
I have still not shared this situation with the men in my life.
Thank God none of them do Twitter.
Or any1 else they know, I guess.
Just gonna smoke another bowl & listen to Kurt for now.
Over and over again.
It happened like this: Bunch of us hanging out, passing a pipe & a bottle.
rayRay grabs the pipe as I reach 4 it. No more 4 u, he says.
What the fuck? I say.
He looks at me w/those soulful eyes, a gaze deep & long. Isn’t it amazing how much we can say w/just our eyes?
He knows. When were u going to tell me, he asks.
Fuck you, I say. Come on Milo. Puppy gets to his feet & we take off.
Later, he comes to me in the night.
We were sleeping under the bright full moon. Trying to anyway.
A light mist sometimes but it felt nice.
Am I the father? First words he says.
That’s kinda sweet u know? Just like rayRay. Not “is it mine” but “am I the father”?
No possession, no territorial rights, no judgment; just responsibility, parental duty, love.
He’s a real mensch sometimes, that guy.
I don’t know.
How did u find out?
Turns out – he DOES know people who read Twitter.
OK which 1 of u told rayRay anyway?
Layla says I have a few weeks to make this decision.
Obviously I’m not supposed to party if I think I might keep the baby.
This is all-consuming right now, knowing I have this being inside me & trying to decide what to do about it.
Let’s be real – I’m 25 & don’t have my shit even remotely together.
How’s my dad gonna react to me finally coming home – pregnant!
I do know I want to be a mom – someday. Not sure today means now.
And especially if Rory is the dad.
rayRay says if it’s him, he will support whatever decision I make.
He’s not sure we’re ready either but says he’ll bite the bullet if I want it.
All I know is right now this sure is cramping my style.
But shit I was getting high for weeks without knowing anyway, so what’s the diff?
Does any1 really know why 4/20 is pot smoking day? I hear all sorts of theories but Dante says none of them are true.
On the streets it’s like our national holiday! You can have your ham for Easter – we have a nice fat bone for 4/20.
Of course u could ask why is this day unlike any other – since pretty much every day is 4/20 around Telegraph!
Out of respect for my condition I abstained from the 4:20am weed circle. But I could not in good conscience skip the 4:20pm observance.
rayRay gave me a nasty scowl when I took the joint but it’s not really his business. Not yet anyway.
Going back to Layla today to see what I do next, and when I can find out who the baby daddy is.
I’m still very confused as to what to do.
Got some helpful tweets & I appreciate the love & support, I really do.
I hadn’t considered the adoption idea, but if I go thru with this…I think I gotta keep it.
Ah Layla, so strong, u know yourself so well. Your path is set, you stay on it & lord help the man who tries to knock u off course.
I’m like a crappy paper airplane flopping around in the wind & then crashing.
Layla’s trying to bring me in for a safe landing.
I’m supposed 2 really meditate about myself, my life, the baby, our future.
She says only I can decide but maybe this isn’t the best time for motherhood.
Gee, ya think?
If there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s thinking about myself.
So yeah I think I can handle that.
She wants me to come in next week for an ultrasound so we can try to see how big this little bugger is & when she (he?) was made.
That will help me a lot if I can know for sure that it was Rory & not rayRay.
That would make this a no-brainer, right?
In the meantime, Milo & me r doing some yoga.
Downward facing dog – with an actual downward facing dog!
He’s more flexible than I am though.
In so many ways…
Layla asked me to meditate – well, that’s how I feel.
I don’t need an ultrasound to tell me what I already know.
Rory is the father of this baby.
It doesn’t feel the way I always imagined it would.
It feels like some alien clawing at my heart, stealing my breath, sucking out my lifeforce.
I don’t need Google or Wiki-anything to figure this out.
The answer to this question is within me.
Yesterday, Easter Sunday, People’s Park.
Big celebration, music, dancing.
I played Easter egg fetch with Milo.
He loved it – running after the decorated egg, picking it up gingerly in his mouth, letting me tug it out, then bouncing up & down, ready 4 more.
Finally though he cracked it, broke it open. The hard-boiled sulfur smell made me sick 2 my stomach.
I threw up in the bushes.
I used to love eggs.
Just driving around this morning, around and around, with dog as my co-pilot.
Had 2 get away from Telegraph, rayRay, the whole scene.
Up to the hills, down to the bay, west to the hood.
Lovely Victorians, cracked old stuccos, stately Tudors, cute little bungaloids.
Even the worst neighborhoods here have beautiful old houses.
Tall palm trees swaying in the morning sun.
Appearances can deceive. rayRay got roughed up down here on 9th street buying some weed, in front of the most gorgeous succulent garden.
I am swaying too today, like one of these willowy palms.
Leaning this way & that, not sure which way to bend.
I’m so afraid of losing myself.
I don’t want to lose who I am, whoever that is.
To a baby. To a man. To the streets, to the police, my father, the ghost of my mother, the system, my own fragile sanity.
I fight so hard every day to hold on to my soul.
I won’t give that away and I can’t let them take it from me.
I will not let Rory of all people take it from me.
My life changes on my terms and no one else’s.
I feel more and more alone.
I felt like I was starting to build some community out here but it’s evaporating.
Like cold shallow puddles that wisp away in mist when they’re warmed by the morning sun.
Damn this tangerine is good.
U ever really taste a tangerine?
I mean REALLY taste it?
Organic. Fresh. Delicious.
Juice dripping off my lips, waterfalling down my neck, all sticky on my breasts.
I can taste the color of this thing.
I taste where it came from. It’s taking me 2 an orchard somewhere in the Ojai Valley.
I feel sunshine burning my cheeks as I suck the nectar out of this sucker.
It’s that real.
So tragic that the puppy doesn’t appreciate citrus.
You’re really missing out, Milo!
I suppose in its own way that pig’s ear could be just as satisfying.
Damn I gotta eat another 1 of these.
Is this some sort of magic fruit or is this weed I scored just really super awesome?
People are on 2 me.
They’re checking me out I can tell. Stopped at a red light & the guy in the next car is just staring at me.
Yo I’m not a freak OK dude?
I want to scream at him but he looks scary.
Sometimes it’s quite handy 2 have a pit bull, altho at this particular moment Milo is curled up out of sight & snoring.
Been off on my own 4 a couple nights now. Wonder if anyone noticed or cares.
Is rayRay worried – wondering where I am?
He probably just figures I went 2 see Dante, who of course is happier when I don’t come around at all. Out of sight out of mind is his thing.
Well I’m definitely out of my mind, what can I say!
Not out of sight tho – every1 is staring at me 2day.
Look away people.