About the Author
TweetHeart - A Twitter Novel By Douglas Sovern
CHAPTER FIVE: May
I hear whispers on the wind.
People talk about me & point when I go by.
Why can’t the world just leave me & my thoughts alone?
I climbed onto this wall on Telegraph.
Milo doesn’t like it.
It’s not comfy for him & he’s a little scared of heights.
Just settle down & curl up.
There ya go.
This way I can keep an eye out.
The street is below and my back is to a field & some trees so I can make a quick getaway if I have to.
Who’s that behind me! Someone is coming. I don’t like this one bit. Maybe I’d be better off in the tree.
I think I can reach this one big branch…
Hospital monitors beeps blood.
What have I done.
Dante is here. And Becca.
OMG the pain!! What’s wrong with my face
The world is swirling.
My belly is killing me.
My whole head hurts so bad.
Why is there so much blood…
Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall.
Humpty Dumpty took a great big fucking fall.
Humpty Dumpty is in goddamn Alta Bates hospital.
Thank God for my king’s man Dante, and ok I guess for my fucking sister Becca too, tho I could do w/o her judgment.
I swear some1 was chasing me. I had no choice. I had 2 get in that tree.
The branch broke.
I think. I don’t know.
Maybe I missed it.
10 feet 2 the ground? 15 maybe? Right on my fucking face.
Hard cement. OMG nothing has ever hurt so much.
I can’t believe I wasn’t knocked out.
The doctors don’t like me here.
Are u on drugs? What drugs are u on? Have u ever been on psych meds? Duh.
If I were on meds would I be falling off walls, genius?
They say my jaw is broken.
Gonna need surgery & will be wired shut.
Twitter I will need u more than ever now…
The baby’s gone. They had to do a D&C.
I guess u saw that coming tho didn’t u?
My uterus is fucking killing me.
Well at least that saves me some trouble.
Becca had the nerve to ask if I did this on purpose.
C’mon I’m not THAT crazy!
At least I don’t think I am.
Lucky 2 b alive I guess.
So every1 keeps saying anyway.
Jury’s still out on that one.
I think they’re letting me go home today.
They threatened to 5150 me.
I fought it hard.
Dante said he would be responsible & take me home.
After I fell I went over to 7-11 but the asshole there wouldn’t let me use the bathroom & was a total jerk.
I guess he called 911.
Next thing I know paramedics are all over me.
I refused treatment & wouldn’t let them take me to the hospital.
But the cops came & said I had to call some1 to come get me, so I gave them Dante’s number.
Then I guess Dante called Becca.
Dante found me wandering Telegraph, bleeding.
He said I gave him a crooked smile & blood came pouring out of my mouth.
He was not amused.
Worst thing – I had no idea where Milo was.
I lost track of him when I fell off the wall & he ran off.
It took Dante two hours but he found him, over by Peoples Park of course.
Then we wandered around till I remembered where I parked the car.
He dragged me here to the hospital, against my wishes.
And here I lie, w/shattered face, empty womb & iPhone in hand.
All the king’s horses have come riding to my rescue, and lucky for me they brought an oral surgeon.
The only 1 missing is the king.
New digs 4 a while: the basement bedroom at Dante’s.
This is 2 be my place of convalescence.
Space & time 2 heal, he says.
Somehow he still has a place for me in his heart.
Surely I don’t deserve it.
Dante & Becca got my dad on the phone from the hospital, forced us 2 talk 2 each other. He’s back east on business or something.
He didn’t exactly saddle up & come running, even tho Becca pleaded w/him, crying, & Dante said he should too.
Dad always called me his “princess.”
Guess the king has decided I’m no longer fit 4 the royal family.
It seems blood only runs so thick.
And I lost a lot of mine on Telegraph Ave.
God my jaw is fucking killing me.
I may not be pregnant anymore but no one has told my body.
I still feel like I am.
Am I being punished for what I’ve done?
Maybe I should’ve had this baby.
Will I get another chance?
I feel like it was a girl.
In fact I’m sure it was.
What would I have named her?
After my mom maybe?
I have to stop thinking this way.
It’s not like I killed it on purpose.
Or did I?
What really happened to me on that wall? Did someone push me?
Did I jump?
I know some1 was chasing me.
I’m sure of it.
It all seems so hazy & crazy now and it was just a few days ago.
The drugs are slowly leaving my system.
My drugs & the hospital’s!
I still don’t feel any clarity.
Everything a jumble.
Dazed & confused.
At least I have Milo.
We are just sleeping, hours and hours and hours….
Milo how can u 4give me 4 abandoning u on the wall?
The puppy always knows when I’m hurting & he’s being very nurturing.
I wish I could get this kind of unconditional love from more people & not just my dog.
Maybe I wouldn’t have so many problems.
Dante always seems 2 have an unlimited reservoir of unjudging love 4 me too.
He’s a lot like my dog, now that I think about it.
And then there’s my dad, who’s supposed 2 love me more than any1 but judges me so harshly & puts SO many conditions on his affection.
Dante & the dog aren’t even my kin, yet they’re my true family.
I guess sometimes love is thicker than blood.
I feel like I owe my Twitter followers some explanation.
People want 2 know more about Dante – I haven’t been that forthcoming.
I tweet about this & I tweet about that & I leave a lot of blanks, don’t I? What can I say? It’s been life on the go.
Well now I have a lot more time on my hands, just lying here with throbbing jaw pain, wondering if I’ve suffered a brain injury.
They did an X-ray and a cat scan & all that stuff & found nothing in there.
Well, not nothing I hope, but u know what I mean!
I still don’t feel any1 at the hospital took me very seriously.
I saw the judgment in their eyes, the exchanged glances, the disapproving looks.
They say I just need to have my jaw fixed & over time I’ll be “good as new.”
New was a long, long time ago, & I don’t know how good I was 2 begin with…
Where was I yesterday? Where am I now 4 that matter?
Ha! It’s all kind of a blur these days folks sorry 4 my lack of lucidity.
Oh yeah I was gonna tell u about Dante.
Once upon a time he was my main squeeze, I mean he was THE ONE.
We met at Cal.
He’s hella cute smart & sweet.
Full of vim & vigor, get up & go.
Started his own travel website 4 students, did really well.
He didn’t get Zuckerberg rich or anything but he’s been successful & makes good money.
Which, uh, u may have noticed, I’m not!
Somewhere along the way, things went wrong.
He stayed on his path while my get up & go got up & went.
Plus he’s so damn happy all the time which makes it very hard 4 a depressive sort like me.
Kinda rubs it in when I’m blue, u feel me?
I just stopped feeling the connection & finally broke up w/him.
We were on & off 4 awhile, but he’s always been there 4 me.
He feels a tremendous sense of obligation & caring 4 me. Maybe it’s guilt.
Maybe it’s eternal love.
Deep down I think he hopes we may end up 2gether yet.
At least I hope that’s what he hopes…
Waiting in the doctor’s office at Kaiser.
Yeah Dante took me 2 Alta Bates that day but I have Kaiser so this is where I have to have the surgery.
Jaw surgery. Yikes!
Don’t like the sound of that at all.
But I sure as hell can’t take this pain either.
Hoping they can fix me up.
This is a pre-op appointment, gonna find out about the risks, etc.
Gonna ask for something stronger for the pain too.
Really do feel like my brain got rattled around in its cage.
Dante joked that maybe in my case that would be a good thing.
You know, like whacking a TV set on the side when it’s on the fritz.
Knock things back into place!
Yeah, you’re hella funny dude.
When’s the last time any1 banged a TV set to fix it anyway? Do people still do that? Probably not with flat-screen HD & whatnot.
Click click click.
That’s my jaw every time I move my mouth.
Right below my ear.
Driving me fucking crazy - & it’s not that long of a drive.
Half-awake, curled up with Milo in the basement.
I thought I dreamed that rayRay came to the hospital & I bled all over him…
I just realized that was no dream.He did come, all straggly hair & wispy whiskers & pale skin & cockeyed grin & bad teeth & steel blue eyes.
And they chased him away.
We don’t want u here, some1 said.
Dante was nice enuf to him, awkward & uncomfortable, but not mean.
Maybe it was Becca.
Or the doctors? Some1 told him he wasn’t welcome & made him leave.
Was that u @beccagold?
Gotta get word to rayRay that I’m ok, or ok enough anyway.
Suppose I could go looking 4 him but I’m feeling really spacy.
Doctor did give me some new dope.
Some morphine knockoff or something.
Took a double dose & slept like a baby.
That means I woke up every few hours crying for my mama.
I don’t need drugs to do that, I can do that on my own.
Seriously tho this shit knocked me hella flat.
Maybe I’ll just snooze a little bit mo…
I think all that time on the street took its toll on my bones.
Maybe it weakened my jaw and left me fragile.
U can’t spend so long in the cold & wet & rain & not suffer for it.
The chill is so deep in my body that it turned my face into brittle.
Of course the drugs probably didn’t help either.
What can I say?
When the sun turned warm this yr it felt so delicious on my skin.
I’ve never cherished spring so much.
Of course now it’s rainy again.
And now I feel every drop of rain & every stiff cold breeze in the shattered shards of my face.
My achy breaky face.
I’m scared of this operation.
What if something goes wrong? They have to get very close 2 my brain.
They could screw up.
Yeah yeah, I know – “how would you tell?”
I’ll save u the trouble – every1’s a comedian on Twitter. LMFAO.
Emmylou used to sing “love hurts” but I swear, right now, laughing hurts me more.
I’ve been out on the street, on & off, close to 2 years now.
Don’t want 2 say I’m glad I broke my face but sure is nice 2 be indoors 4 a bit.
It really hurts to talk too, so I’m probably better off holed up inside 4 a while just mumbling to Milo & tweeting instead.
Dante isn’t home much during the day.
He’s got a business to run & he’s a dervish of energy.
It can be hard 2 take sometimes.
I’m just in hella chill mode, cocooned with a nice fat joint & dry warm blankets & my thoughts, such as they be, and they be this:
I wonder what the natives who lived here 300 yrs ago would think knowing they were displaced by people who made it illegal 2 live outside?
Yes it’s a crime 2 live on the street, or in a tent, or in SF 2 even sit on the sidewalk.
Yet there’s not enuf shelter beds 4 those who do.
So – we have nowhere affordable 4 u to live, unless u live on the land, on your own, and then we do have a spot for u – in jail.
The Ohlone & Miwoks & others who cherished this earth & worshipped it & lived on it beneath the sun & the moon would be horrified.
I’m thinking bout friends I left behind on the street & hope they’re surviving.
Feel just a little bit guilty here in Dante’s lap of luxury.
People won’t be able to find me here in the woods.
That’s one very good thing about staying at Dante’s.
We’re tucked down in a redwood grove in a ravine in the hills.
I won’t say where cuz I want 2 keep it secret just in case.
My car’s parked off the road too behind a fence so no1 can even see it here.
I could stay here 4ever & they’d never find me.
Love the way the waves of mist roll in thru the trees.
Looks like London.
If they had redwoods in London, I guess.
The trees make their own rain, sucking the water out of the fog, so it drips drips drips among the branches even if nothing’s falling from the sky.
Everything seems all aglow to me today, purple flowers almost neon through the gray, the ground vines crackling like coils.
Each little blossom so intense & vibrant, bursting with new color, ready to shake off the raindrops & seize the spring.
If it ever comes.
God I can’t take this pain much longer.
My surgery isn’t till next week.
I know I banged my brain around in there I can just tell.
Dante is very very patient with me but I also know I drive him crazy & he’s oh so tired of my endless shit.
I am trying very hard not 2 wake him up at night & 2 let him sleep.
Lucky the drugs I got knock me out so I do sleep thru the night.
It’s sweet to see Dante & Milo get to reconnect.
Silver lining I guess.
They’ve been going out 4 long walks in the woofs.
Hey Twitter I meant woods not woofs!
Ha! Freudian typo.
Anyway they really love each other so at least there’s that.
Dante says he’ll take me to the hospital & then I can stay w/him as long as I need 2 recuperate.
Becca plans 2 visit.
Dad? Not so much.
Not a fucking peep from him in fact.
Gee thanks Dad I love u too.
I assume he’s back in Bay Area but have had no word.
But the bigger crisis is I’m almost out of weed.
Gonna have to venture out in2 the world to make a run.
Maybe when Dante’s at work…
Don’t know what I expected.
Haven’t seen rayRay in 3 weeks.
Went looking 4 him on Telegraph, no1 knew where he was.
Caught up w/a couple other folks – Bone, Missy, good 2 see all my old friends! Milo so happy 2 see Missy’s dog Crystal.
I think he loves her.
I guess I imagined rayRay just sitting by Cody’s pining 4 me, waiting 4 me to come home.
But Bone heard he got some housepainting gig.
Every1 was happy 2 see I’m alive.
They feared the worst.
They said I looked great but I could tell they were just being nice.
Fact is my face is all crooked.
My shit is all fucked up.
My mouth won’t close straight.
But their little white lies felt good.
Bone hooked me up with some weed.
I left word 2 tell rayRay I’m OK.
He doesn’t carry a phone but he could call me somehow if he wants.
I am repairing to my secret hideaway in the woods.
Dante doesn’t need 2 know I got more weed so let’s keep that our little secret OK tweeple?
What is it about the men in my family?
There’s more 2 life than money guys, and there are other people in the world besides u.
Apparently my dad is doing some big deal & that’s why he doesn’t have time 2 even check in w/his shattered-faced daughter.
And my brother? Becca says she’s brought Ben up 2 speed on my “situation” in life & he was “disturbed” by it but not moved 2 get involved.
And people wonder why I turned out the way I am.
All any of us want is love, to be loved & to love in return.
The love went out of this family a long time ago, even before my mother died.
It’s hard 2 believe I share blood with these people.
We all deserve some1 who’s there 4 us no matter what, right? Like Dante.
Even when he comes down hard on me, I still know it’s out of love.
And Milo of course.
Hard 2 believe he’s a dog sometimes.
He’s got such a beautiful soul.
No1’s ever loved me more!!
Absolutely terrified of having my surgery tomorrow.
They’re gonna fix my broken jaw & wire me shut.
Won’t be able to talk for a few weeks I think.
This will make Dante very happy.
Hella anxious though.
I have no fucking fingernails left.
I don’t know if I can go thru with it.
What if they nick my brain?
I’ve written out a will longhand just in case.
Everything goes 2 Dante, pretty much. A little 2 rayRay & a few other folks & some charities.
Hard 2 believe I have gotten 2 this point in my life.
I’m only 25 years old.
Really veered off the track somehow.
If I come thru this OK I swear to God I’m gonna get my shit together.
Gonna go sit in the woods with Milo now & really take everything in just in case it’s the last time.
Ok so I fucked up.
I’m sorry I’m not perfect like Dante or my dad or whoever the fuck.
Everybody back the fuck off.
Stayed up all nite & yes I was drinking. It’s my body & my life & if I’m freaking out about the surgery & cuz of so much pain I have the right.
I am not going to Kaiser today & Dante is hella pissed.
He took the morning off work to take me in & now I am rescheduling.
I have decided I need 2 fix my teeth before I fix my jaw.
I have 2 busted teeth, they are killing me & I think that is priority number 1.
The Kaiser advice nurse was such a bitch.
She actually called me dearie.
If I want to go 2 the dentist b4 I have surgery it’s my business.
I told her I couldn’t have it this morning anyway becuz I didn’t fast & I drank all night.
You did what? Why would u do such a thing? What were u thinking?
Obviously thinking wasn’t high on my list lady.
Freaking out was.
Biting my nails & crying were.
Shit I’m going 2 the dentist this aft 2 get the damn teeth fixed, why don’t I get any credit for that?
The jaw surgery can wait a week or 2.
My head is pounding.
Who do people think they are anyway? Look at this dude, parking his car this way.
Yo dude, that ain’t no spot for you!
Fancy black Porsche, in disabled spot, ass sticking half-out in2 traffic.
I saw this guy get out I guarantee u his only handicap is his bad taste.
I was coming out the dentist; he goes in Oliveto’s café downstairs 4 a latte or some shit.
Windows rolled down, gym bag on the front seat!
OK bad enuf he doesn’t care that he’s gonna get a ticket, or worse towed, but he is just asking for some1 to steal that bag.
Dude has clearly spent zero time on the pavement.
We don’t mess around.
U leave something visible & snatchable, it will be snatched.
Maybe he’s so rich he doesn’t give a shit but some1 needs to teach this guy a lesson.
Maybe I’m the one to do it.
Back in a sec…
Whew! OK so here’s what u missed: I grabbed the bag thru the open window. No1 saw me.
Went into the café.
Me: Hey mister, that your Porsche out front? He: Yeah, so what about it.
Me: So I just saw a street punk grab this bag out of it.
Me: I yelled at the kid & he dropped the bag & ran away. U should be more careful.
He: What the fuck?
The guy spills his coffee, runs outside, checks on his car.
He: Wow, thanks! (Takes his bag back) Not every1 would give a shit, I really appreciate that. Here, take this (Hands me 20 bucks!)
And I walked away, as fast as I could, got out of there and around the corner to my car and gone! With 20 of this asshole’s dollars.
Wait till he discovers that I had Milo pee all over his driver’s side door.
I may be a mess but sometimes I am still hella fucking cool.
Can’t any1 see that I am just trying 2 survive here.
Every1 thinks I’m crazy but the dentist confirms the cops are looking 4 me.
He’s suspicious of the govt too & he says don’t worry he can’t tell the cops anything about me since I’m a patient.
I haven’t done anything wrong so as long as I lay low at Dante’s & stay off the street he thinks they’ll leave me alone.
Finally found rayRay last night & it wasn’t pretty.
He’s mad as fuck at me, wants 2 know why I’ve left him, “done this to him.”
I haven’t done anything TO any1; I’m doing something FOR myself. People are so fucking self-involved. I’m trying 2 save my life here.
I told him I need 2 heal up & get my shit 2gether & Dante’s is the best place 2 do it & why can’t he just be supportive like Dante?
Not every1 has a Dante, he says, Who’s my Dante?
Dude I don’t know get your own fucking Dante.
That’s what’s wrong with the world, I guess.
Everybody needs a Dante but very few are lucky enough to actually have one.
I have not spent real time, quality time, deep time with my family in so long.
My sister can’t understand why.
Don’t u miss us? she asks me.
Sorry sis, not really.
There isn’t much there 2 miss, u know?
I’m sorry if it hurts u 2 read this tweet but it’s 4 real.
God’s honest truth.
Dad’s back and they’re having some sort of Memorial Day BBQ.
Becca actually invited me 2 come, said dad was ok w/it.
Really? Eat ribs (which I don’t eat anyway) w/my broken face? Suck some sauce between the gaps in my cracked teeth?
That’s what I’m talking about – complete ignorance & insensitivity.
No appreciation at all of my situation.
I can just hear Becca cajoling dad into letting her invite me.
He doesn’t really want me there, which is perfect cuz I don’t want to go.
Why have u built this wall between u & us, between u & your family? she asked me.
Oh Becca, come on we all build walls, don’t we?
We wall off the little compartments of our life from each other & we only let certain people through certain ones.
And ok I admit we build walls in our way too, that make our path more challenging, unnecessary ones that we have 2 climb over 2 get anywhere.
I am still trying to do that but some of them are so fucking high.
And having just fallen off of one I’m in no hurry to try again.
Chillin’ to some Pink Floyd.
Wish You Were Here.
No you don’t, trust me!
I’m kinda a pain in the ass these days.
So much pain so often.
People just don’t get it.
He’s at his wit’s end, wringing his hands, trying to get me 2 clean up.
Why won’t u: go to rehab/get on medication/go to AA/see your father/see a shrink/stop messing up your body?
Dude if it were that easy…
This shit – MY shit - helps with the pain though.
For 10, 15 minutes I feel ok.
Then I gotta do more. U don’t know if u haven’t been there.
I know - the meth is bad 4 my teeth & they’re already so messed up.
Did I have another dentist appointment this morning? Fuck.
Spaced it out. Or is it tomorrow? Oh man too late now & too high today to figure it out…